Setting Your Priorities Right: Marriage First
Have you ever found yourself so absorbed in your work that your family takes a back seat? It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of career success, especially when your job is fulfilling and your accomplishments are noticed. However, there’s a significant truth that many people forget: your spouse should always come before your work.
Let me take you back to a personal moment, before children entered our lives. I was deeply invested in my work as a youth pastor, fully committed to helping and mentoring the youth at our church. But one night, after a youth group meeting, my wife Cathy brought up something that made me realize just how much I had been neglecting her. She said, "I'm not sure we should have children... You’re always so busy with work, I don’t know if you’ll be present in their lives." That moment was eye-opening for me. I loved my work, and it was fulfilling my self-esteem needs, but I was prioritizing it over the very relationship that mattered most—my marriage.
It felt like a punch to the gut, but deep down I knew she was right. I was emotionally and physically exhausted from giving my best hours to my work. The emotional scraps I had left over went to Cathy, and that wasn’t fair. I realized that I had been having an affair—though not with another woman. My “affair” was with my work, and it was damaging my relationship with my spouse. As leaders, caregivers, and workers, we often get caught up in our jobs because we see their importance, but sometimes we lose sight of what truly matters: family.
This story is not unique—many people struggle to balance work with family life. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking our careers define us, but at the end of our lives, no one will regret not working more. I’ve never heard anyone say, "I wish I’d spent more hours in the office." Instead, people wish they had given their time and attention to their families.
Family Comes First, Even Over Career
We all know the right priorities:
God
Marriage
Children
Vocation and career
But even though we may know this intellectually, living it out can be much harder. Many times, we mix up our priorities and lose sight of what's truly important. As a pastor and ministry leader, I’ve often struggled with this balancing act myself. There have been countless occasions when I prioritized work, thinking that it was my way of serving God. But in reality, that misplaced priority almost cost me my family.
It’s important to avoid the trap of a “work-focused” marriage where your career takes precedence over spending quality time with your spouse. Your spouse needs to feel loved and valued—because they are your teammate and closest companion in life. When work becomes the focus, it often takes away from the love, understanding, and connection that should be nurtured in a marriage.
Once we had children, we fell into the trap of having a child-centered home. In the short term, this may seem harmless, but over time, this dynamic can create entitled kids who expect everything to revolve around them. Also, as parents, it can inadvertently create distance between husband and wife. We might even become “child-focused” instead of “marriage-focused.” But a marriage cannot thrive if it is not a priority, so I made a decision that my wife and family would receive my best efforts, not my leftovers.
Work Isn’t the Most Important Thing
It’s not that work isn’t important—it is. But when we prioritize work above our family, we forget why we work in the first place. Remember, we work to provide for and support our loved ones, and if that is overlooked, the work itself becomes meaningless. There’s a major difference between a job you’re passionate about and the work that takes over every other part of your life.
Jack Hayford, one of the key leaders I admired in ministry, shared a powerful piece of wisdom with me that I'll never forget. When I asked him about the secret to his success, he responded by saying it wasn’t about what he chose to do, but what he chose not to do. He said, “I had to say no to many good things to say yes to the most important ones: my wife, children, and grandchildren.” His family, second only to his relationship with God, was his greatest treasure. He taught me that the key to success is not just to prioritize our schedules but to schedule our priorities.
Take Action: Prioritize Your Marriage
Are you giving your spouse only the emotional scraps of your day? If you’re unsure, ask your spouse. They'll let you know how they feel. Our family and marriages are gifts that deserve the best of us, not just the leftover bits. Over time, failing to invest emotionally in your spouse and children will create distance that can be hard to bridge.
So today, take a step toward realigning your priorities. Your job is important, but family should always come first. Your spouse should never get your emotional leftovers—ensure that they are getting your best attention and love. As you grow and thrive as a family, you’ll find that balancing work and family life brings much more fulfillment than simply giving work all your focus.
Conclusion: Give Your Family Your Best
Make a vow to set aside time for what really matters: your spouse, your children, and your relationship with God. Take time every day to prioritize them, and if you're ever unsure whether work is crowding out family, remember to ask yourself, "Is this getting my best, or just my scraps?"
Your family deserves your best.
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